But still, I’ll much rather be open, loving, honest and completely vunrebule than bitter and closed off blaming the world for my toxic negativity.

Why are people dumping toxic emotional garbage on others?

I feel as if people that are in such a bad place are looking for a safe outlet for their anger. And it’s like they can smell my defenselessness. Like they are looking for someone like me, they can easily put down and humiliate or lash out at. Someone to absorb their emotions. Someone without the threat of getting your ass kicked. Someone to blame all their problems on. Someone to be the villain in their story.

Most of the time its people I’ve never met before. They don’t know me at all. And their reason to lash out is most of the time something negligible that is blown out of proportion. In the past, I’ve had multiple encounters. For example with (frustrated) people working in public transport that would lash out for me leaving a bag on the seat next to me or something minute like that. But in such a severe way that others around me jumped in to help me and afterward asking me if I was ok. (no, I was not) People attacking me “looking in their direction” and assuming I was judging them. (yes because of thats really the kind of person I am) Or people taking something I said the wrong way, twisting and turning my words because of their own assumptions.

What does that to someone like me?

Being extremely sensitive to the emotions of others. Being really empathic, means these attacks are really double for me. It’s not nice to be attacked. But at the same time, I feel them. I get it! As soon as their switch goes to black, even before attacking me I feel the air getting thicker, my skin starts to tingle, and the hairs in my neck stand up, Goosebumps, my heart starts pounding and a pit in my stomach. Bracing myself. Oh shit, here it comes… 

In the moment that happens my first reaction is to freeze. The second reaction is to second guess myself. And in an attempt to calm the other person down I tried to apologize for whatever they think I did to them. Trying to make it right. But guess what? It NEVER works. An apology is never ever accepted. You know why? They need you to be the bad guy. They need to be angry at someone. And they have chosen YOU! 

All I’m saying is that no matter how hard you try in being nice and loving to everyone. Some people will come for you anyway.

Those people are a victim of their own state of mind, they obviously have issues to work through. Even do that person had it in for me. I’m not angry with them. There is no use in creating more anger and negativity. The negativity that eventually will build up and will need an outlet. Negativity that, if I’m not able to let it out in a gentle healthy way, there is a chance I will take it out on someone else. Making this a neverending stream of negative emotions being pushed on forward to the next and the next and the next person.

I’m stopping the vicious circle right here by crying. By talking. By letting it out.
By hugging my family. By accepting. By understanding. By healing. By daring to open up again.  Just feeling it all.

I hope she or he feels better after lashing out. I hope she or he will find some healing for themselves and be a happier person.

A few weeks ago I had an abrupt short confusing encounter with a really troubled person who poured all their anxiety, insecurities, anger and frustration on me. Leaving me sad and burned out. 3 days after I started to recover. It made me think, it inspired me to reflect and write on the subject in this blog post.
These things happen to me two or three times a year since I can remember.

So there must be other people that can relate to this right!?
Am I the only one? Maybe IT IS ME!? Inviting this on myself? Attracting it!?
Sometimes its so hard to stand up for myself and being assertive because of the fear for another attack or making things worse.
I NEED YOUR INPUT So, what do you think?

Should I stay this defenseless without doing anything about it? Because of its a pure, open, honest state of being. A thing of beauty. And It is who I am?

OR

Do I need to protect myself a bit more? Have more defense systems? Fight back? Create more boundaries?
Preventing the emotional garbage of others from getting in?  Getting thicker skin?

And if so… How to do so in a healthy way?
Because I wouldn’t know where to start. I have always been this way. 

Thinking about this issue and talking about it to my friends and family did gave me a better understanding of what is happening.
Reflecting on it was allready a big help and a form of self-care on its own.

Tell me your thoughts on the subject! I could use your input.

Love,
Jolanda,

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