People with buildup negativity are toxic, especially for empaths

apr 28, 2019

Sometimes you encounter someone who is harnessing a lot of negative emotions and when such a person gets the chance, they will unload their buildup emotional garbage on you.
And well… that sucks.

Key is not to let it get to you. Right… But that is easier said than done. I immediately tend to absorb all the emotions around me. All the time. There is no way of stopping it. My natural state is completely open. Highly sensitive to the feelings of people, picking up all emotions floating around. Everything gets in and hits me full force.

So when someone unexpectedly opens fire on me and lashes out in a verbal and non-verbal (bodylanguage & Vibes) way, there is no hiding from it. No walls, no shields protecting me. Things don’t slide off… they stick on me. A clean transfer of complete feelings array from them to me takes place. I’m feeling everything they are going through! And It gets to me in a devastating way. It makes me retreat back into my bubble to restore for a while. Because it breaks me.

But still, I’ll much rather be open, loving, honest and completely vunrebule than bitter and closed off blaming the world for my toxic negativity.

Why are people dumping toxic emotional garbage on others?

I feel as if people that are in such a bad place are looking for a safe outlet for their anger. And it’s like they can smell my defenselessness. Like they are looking for someone like me, they can easily put down and humiliate or lash out at. Someone to absorb their emotions. Someone without the threat of getting your ass kicked. Someone to blame all their problems on. Someone to be the villain in their story.

Most of the time its people I’ve never met before. They don’t know me at all. And their reason to lash out is most of the time something negligible that is blown out of proportion. In the past, I’ve had multiple encounters. For example with (frustrated) people working in public transport that would lash out for me leaving a bag on the seat next to me or something minute like that. But in such a severe way that others around me jumped in to help me and afterward asking me if I was ok. (no, I was not) People attacking me “looking in their direction” and assuming I was judging them. (yes because of thats really the kind of person I am) Or people taking something I said the wrong way, twisting and turning my words because of their own assumptions.

What does that to someone like me?

Being extremely sensitive to the emotions of others. Being really empathic, means these attacks are really double for me. It’s not nice to be attacked. But at the same time, I feel them. I get it! As soon as their switch goes to black, even before attacking me I feel the air getting thicker, my skin starts to tingle, and the hairs in my neck stand up, Goosebumps, my heart starts pounding and a pit in my stomach. Bracing myself. Oh shit, here it comes…

In the moment that happens my first reaction is to freeze. The second reaction is to second guess myself. And in an attempt to calm the other person down I tried to apologize for whatever they think I did to them. Trying to make it right. But guess what? It NEVER works. An apology is never ever accepted. You know why? They need you to be the bad guy. They need to be angry at someone. And they have chosen YOU!

All I’m saying is that no matter how hard you try in being nice and loving to everyone. Some people will come for you anyway.

And all I can do is go back home, and say to myself:

“you tried your best
it’s ok
this feeling will fade
you will be fine
just keep on breathing
hug your kids
even when it doesn’t feel this way
there is still so much
beauty in the world
open your heart “

Knowing I will feel better somewhere in the next days, but that other person has to live with feeling this way all the time, is a heartbreaking thought on its own. Life must be terrible being them.

A part of me immediately wants to dive in, reach out and try to “save” them from the terrible place there in. But as they probably have picked me as their villain in their story they probably won’t be open to help from me. And I need to step back and say to my self “it is not your place to save everyone in this world, Pick your battles. This one is for someone else.”

Those people are a victim of their own state of mind, they obviously have issues to work through. Even do that person had it in for me. I’m not angry with them. There is no use in creating more anger and negativity. The negativity that eventually will build up and will need an outlet. Negativity that, if I’m not able to let it out in a gentle healthy way, there is a chance I will take it out on someone else. Making this a neverending stream of negative emotions being pushed on forward to the next and the next and the next person.

I’m stopping the vicious circle right here by crying. By talking. By letting it out.
By hugging my family. By accepting. By understanding. By healing. By daring to open up again. Just feeling it all.

I hope she or he feels better after lashing out. I hope she or he will find some healing for themselves and be a happier person.

A few weeks ago I had an abrupt short confusing encounter with a really troubled person who poured all their anxiety, insecurities, anger and frustration on me. Leaving me sad and burned out. 3 days after I started to recover. It made me think, it inspired me to reflect and write on the subject in this blog post.
These things happen to me two or three times a year since I can remember.

So there must be other people that can relate to this right!?
Am I the only one? Maybe IT IS ME!? Inviting this on myself? Attracting it!?
Sometimes its so hard to stand up for myself and being assertive because of the fear for another attack or making things worse.
I NEED YOUR INPUT So, what do you think?

Should I stay this defenseless without doing anything about it? Because of its a pure, open, honest state of being. A thing of beauty. And It is who I am?

OR

Do I need to protect myself a bit more? Have more defense systems? Fight back? Create more boundaries?
Preventing the emotional garbage of others from getting in? Getting thicker skin?

And if so… How to do so in a healthy way?
Because I wouldn’t know where to start. I have always been this way.

Thinking about this issue and talking about it to my friends and family did gave me a better understanding of what is happening.
Reflecting on it was allready a big help and a form of self-care on its own.

Tell me your thoughts on the subject! I could use your input.

Love,
Jolanda,

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Living with Syndrome of Raynaud

apr 16, 2019

Afraid of what might happen

Coping Syndrome of Raynaud and tips on preventing an episode.

Whenever the temperatures get low. I will start wrapping myself in.
Whenever I step into a place that has air conditioning on, I shrink in.
Whenever there is a brisk breeze… I cover my ears.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed and tired, I wrap myself in a blanket to keep warm.

Afraid of what might happen. Afraid of my fingers, my toes, my ears, and my face turning in to numb white-yellow paralyzed lumps. Losing all fine-motor skills and not being able to move those areas of my body. The area’s around the temporarily affected body parts feel cramped. And it hurts. When I return into space with a stable temperature and something warm to start up my blood flow again the color and life starts to flow back into my feet again.

“I remember when I was a small child I would try and hide in the classroom”

I practically never talk about this to anyone. because it’s not a big deal to me. For me, it’s the most normal thing in the world. I remember when I was a small child I would try and hide in the classroom, trying to skip play-time in the schoolyard. I preferred to stay inside in winter time. I preferred to not go through the whole process of another episode again and again.

The only other person who had the same reaction to the cold is one of my best friends. And she told me she had googled it and that it might be Syndrome of Raynaud.
I thought, Nah, what are the odds of us both having this same thing. I probably just get cold easily and am “being a pussy about it” (such a Dutch way of thinking). So I never dug into it.

Years later I talked to my yoga teacher Ingvild at Yogaways about it. The topic came up because I tend to get really cold feet and lose all feeling and sense in my toes during yoga (which is something you do barefoot) Especially while doing yoga outside and it’s not a shimmering 25°C outside (or there is a cold breeze). She told me it sounded like Syndrome of Raynaud.

“But I realized this was a thing to be reckoned with. Ignoring it could turn out devastating.”

Ok. This was the second time someone pointed this out to me, so I thought it was time for some research. WOW! The pictures of white and yellow fingers and toes I found online were spot on what I was experiencing. The pictures of the black and blue limbs scared me a bit. I never let it go that far! Like, What the hell, the white stage was painful enough, and I always got my blood flow back before something like that could ever happen. But I realized this was a thing to be reckoned with. Ignoring it could turn out devastating.

Overall there is no real cure. But there are some things I do that will prevent me from having another big attack on my limbs.

Advice for dealing with Syndrome of Raynaud

– Hot/cold – Training the veins and gaining flexibility there is making the attacks less heavy and makes recovery after an attack faster.
Taking hot/cold showers, or going to the sauna is a well-controlled way to train the fine fains in your limbs.
.
– Protect yourself! – If it’s temperature and the thing that triggers an attack: Protect your hands, feet and face/ears before going into situations where you just KNOW you could have another episode.
I also notice that whenever I’m tired or emotional or overwhelmed it tends to happen! So finding rest and nesting on the couch or the bed with a blanket when needed is key! And when an episode is triggered as an emotional or after a scare, It’s important to retrieve yourself. Get your heartbeat and adrenaline levels down. Drink some tea, move and warm up the affected areas gently. And try to distract yourself by reading, watching Netflix or talk to someone.
.
– Health! – Having a good healthy body will help you battle this, and will make the outbursts less extreme and less frequent. In short… It’s a veins problem. So obviously your overall health has a big influence on it. These things seem obvious (to me) but I’m going to sum them up anyway:
-Do not smoke (This one is very important)
-Eat plenty of deep green veggies
-Move your body! Run, climb, swim, do yoga, fitness, whatever you like! As long as you get off that couch!
-Get enough sleep
-And be mindful! Do whatever you need to take your stress levels down!

I really hope that this might help some of you that may have these symptoms and maybe never realized what it was. And for everyone else: This is a thing, It’s not a huge thing, its not life-threatening, but it is something I have to live with. If you ever see me suddenly walk away when its cold, or stepping inside the hallway of school while everyone is standing outside in the cold, or waiting in the car instead of stepping out, I’m not being impolite, selfish or a pussy… I’m preventing an attack on my limbs. 😉 Not all conditions are visible.

Do you know anyone that feels pain or gets paralyzed limbs with a sudden change of temperatures or cold?

Blog by: Jolanda Marti
Photography: Michiel Fook

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Wikipedia on Raynaud syndrome

Raynaud syndrome, also known as Raynaud’s phenomenon, is a medical condition in which spasm of arteries cause episodes of reduced blood flow.

Typically, the fingers, and less commonly the toes, are involved. Rarely, the nose, ears, or lips are affected. The episodes result in the affected part turning white and then blue. Often, numbness or pain occurs. As blood flow returns, the area turns red and burns.

The episodes typically last minutes, but can last several hours. Read more…

Yoga and Syndrome of Raynaud

One of the things I recently started doing is wearing these barefoot shoes while doing yoga whenever the temperature is too cold. Wildling shoes geared our whole family up with their barefoot shoes and gave me these for my yoga practice!

Just perfect for preventing getting cold feet during my yoga practice and still give be the next best thing after real bare-foot yoga. Because of the freedom my feet and toes have in these shoes, I am able to protect myself from the cold and still feel like being barefoot. The top of the shoe is smooth which allows me to glide, while the thin and flexible sole gives me a lot of grip on the ground and prevents me from slipping! It works better than I ever could have hoped for! So grateful for this solution!

So for everyone doing yoga on rough terrain or who get cold feet and maybe get cramps or has Syndrome of Raynaud like me!? These Barefoot shoes are a really good solution!